By Anonymous Lady (Her Disco is in the background, though)


The OffRoad Trip

It`s 6am and the worlds asleep,

You fill your flask and food for the sheep,

Get in your lannie, the batteries dead,

You look for a wall to start banging your head,

Get down the road, you think it`s funny

Till you head back home (you`ve forgotten your money),

Meet all your mates ready for the trip,

You`ve gotta drive (your girl wants to kip),

Fly down the motorway, it`s pourin with rain,

Offroad tyres on - try and stay in lane,

When you arrive and get to the site,

You look out your window - it`s just getting light,

Drive up the lane, decide what to do,

Ask your mates and, "It`s up to you!"

You drive through the forest with a bump and a bang,

You think you`re alright till something goes twang,

Look out your window at your aerial on the floor,

You try to retrieve but cant open your door!


You get to the mudsplash and park by a tree,

Your mates all start laughing - your having a wee,

It`s lunchtime now, you`ve been stuck once or twice,

You start your butties (but your mates look nice..),

You go in the back to get out your bag,

The flask has leaked everywhere and she`s started to nag,


The day has now ended, the clocks striking five,

On the way home you thank God you`re alive,

You park on your drive and admire the mud,

But when you think back, "Boy! That was good!"



Funny Smells...

Before I start this is not a funny story. It started about two weeks ago, when (whilst at a friends house) we

got a whiff of something very bad. We put it down to a train passing his house - probably full of cattle carcases.

A few days later, again at his house, the same smell again. Another train? Would be a coincidence, but with this foot

and mouth problem a good possibility?! A week later, again whilst working on the 90`s, the smell again. Getting worse, though.

It seemed to be coming from my 90. Put it down to pigshit in the engine bay - we`d only been offroad a few weeks back,

and only the outside had been washed properly.

Days went by, and the next time we smelt it was (again) working on my 90, stripping it for this chassis rebuild.

Peter said to check nothing had climbed into the engine bay and died. I looked. Couldn`t see anything (thank God - I used to

work for the RSPCA). I went to the driversside and looked again. I saw what was causing the smell.

It was inside the fan cowling, obviously climbed in to keep warm and then when I started my engine ... splat cat.

It had been caught by the fan on the head, so probably died instantly. The only problem was, it must`ve been there

for weeks as it was decomposing and causing one hell of a stench. Luckily (for my sake) it wasn`t our cat, but my thoughts

went out to whoevers it was. I might think about an electric fan now, or at least a cat guard. So, if your cats

gone missing and your engine smells like pigshit, think about a pair of rubber gloves.


Frog Island 4x4: Disgusting service

Now, I wouldn`t like to slate a business in public, but some situations call for it.

I was contacted by a friend who had, now don`t laugh, an Iveco Turbo diesel engine fitted into his C reg 110

by Frogs Island 4x4 in 1995. The engine was similar spec to a 200Tdi, and cost a total of £4923.25!!!

With this amount spent, you`d expect a company to look after this customer, but no... on asking for an

engineers report he was told it "would be posted". Bear in mind that this is June 1995 - he still has not had it.

The gentleman in question is disabled and the engine has since only covered 5500 miles (yep - in six years!).

The engine runs well (after sorting a few of Frogs problems himself) and is not a problem, but insurance is. Due to it being

a non-genuine engine his insurance company slapped a much greater sum on his premium until he provided them

with an engineers report. Back to Frogs Island 4x4.

Numerous phone calls, now for years, proved useless. The gentleman, fed up with forking out hundreds

extra for insurance, set off to Billing in July 1999 to see them face-to-face (bear in mind he is disabled).

At the show, he got a thousand apologies, a thousand excuses and a thousand promises. He found the "boss"

and was promised the report immediately.

July 2000, twelve months on and still no report. Unable to make the Billing tip again (and why, they only lied to him

before) a friend attended the show with the same objective. He found a member of staff, and when briefly explained the

situation was rudely told to get the original receipt faxed to them; they had left it so long they couldn`t find the

necessary paperwork - although, strangely enough they did remember the job!?

Okay, so the receipt was faxed. No acknowledgement, no report. The receipt was faxed again until the 8th Feb 2001.

I know, this sounds like a TV complaints programme, but this type of service should not be allowed to carry on.

Phone calls and emails continued from many sources trying to get a result, until we were asked to try. I myself tried to contact Frogs Island,

and all attempts have been ignored. I scanned the receipt, and attached it to the email - in case their fax machine

is as useless as their customer services. Still no joy.

If anyone has any friends, contacts or business with Frogs Island please bear this in mind - and ask them

yourselves to send Mr Wallaces engineers report!! £5000 for an engine, the least they could do is give him an engineers report

to help with his insurance.Maybe they didn`t want anyone to see their loose jubilee clips, twisted pipes and butchered


UPDATE:Following this "report" i received an email from FROGS asking Mr Wallace for some details so they could post his report - ending a six year wait. Good job for them we didn`t ask for them to pay the difference in his insurance premiums whilst he`s waited, eh?!
Let`s see if they do actually send it before we breathe a sigh of relief...
UPDATE:Finally, a so called "engineers report" was sent! By "so called" I mean that on looking at Mr Wallaces report, it basically says the engine was fitted by Frogs Island in 1995. Is this a true engineers report?! If anyone know, please let us know!!!